đ„± Dedication
One of the main inspirations for me to put this together was the recent death of Susan Jane Hall. She was a yoga instructor at the studio I frequent and someone I got to know a little bit over the last 3 years.
She had a band called âBijaa,â and they were quite musically talented. Going to one of their kirtan events was my original introduction to mantra. Chanting those sounds, as silly and weird and foolish as I felt in the moment, completely evolved my life and brought me to a place unrecognizable to the situation I was in originally. Susan played a critical role, whether she knew it or not, in helping me along my kundalini awakening journey.
She was somewhat intense - prioritizing mastery, alignment, and adherence to the philosophy; not your average chill, good vibe, feel nice yoga gal. She cut through the B.S. and didnât necessarily care if you liked her or not. It was as though she were the fiery energy of Kali, a major goddess in Hinduism, incarnate. After a long battle with cancer, Susan was believed to be in-remission. I may have been witness to the cause for its resurgence. In a turn of events, which I was not fully conscious of until thinking of what to say at a memorial held in her name, I will share this story with you to contemplate upon. A single moment, one which could have easily been overlooked and discounted, demonstrates the truth of a radically different take on our understanding of illness.
I was there the last night she taught. Sometimes being in her Yin class was a little scary, as though it were the 1950's and your teacher would come slap your hands with a ruler if you were spacing out. I always felt somewhat on edge, but in a way that made me more mindful. If you were even slightly off in your positioning, there was a good chance that she would make her way around the room and catch it. This was awesome, it helped me to see my blind-spots, and was the reason I loved coming to her classes. That really takes a lot of effort for a teacher, who could otherwise just do their own thing directing everyone through a flow and let you figure things out yourself. Towards the end however, it felt like she would sometimes get a little carried away. Iâm a chronic perfectionist, and could recognize my incessant need for everything to always be done correctly reflected in her. Iâm not sure if youâve seen the movie Whiplash, but our shadows intermingled in a similar manner; myself as Miles Teller and her as J.K. Simmons(but lets turn down the intensity by 99% and replace Olympic level drumming with stretching to soft ambient tones). I was the student that was always seeking to improve and get better, to perfect the craft, and she was the wise instructor who could provide endless corrections and introduce new things. We were in no way close enough to be Daniel San and Mr. Miyagi, but this was the very, very, subtle dynamic we had with one another.
Susan was constantly in and out of the studio dealing with her illness, but was teaching when she felt up to it. After entering remission and being told that all the cancer was gone, she was starting to become more regular. Here there were a few good months. During one particular Sunday night session, I noticed that she was a bit off. To be expected from someone in her circumstance, I didnât necessarily think too much of it. She seemed uptight and uncomfortable. Surely her body has been through hell and is still recovering from all that it went through. At this point in my journey, I had developed some mastery in the yogic process, overcoming the need to perfect every minor aspect of each posture, and was sometimes just looking to relax. I mean sure, maybe if I really wanted to impress myself, but on this particular night, I was just looking to breathe and connect mind with body - to enter the parasympathetic nervous system and that state of inner peace. Yoga was my choice modality to practice self therapy, not always the search to stretch fascia at geometrically precise angles. Susan came around and gave me a correction. Of course, Iâm always a little off, thank you! A few minutes later, here she is again, adjusting me once more. Damn. I must be a little out of it tonight. Ok, I thought I was doing fine, maybe Iâve got to pay a little more attention. But then, here she comes around for a third time - still within the first 20 minutes here, mind-you, bringing me yet another modification - seeming a bit agitated at my inability to navigate the postures correctly. This one felt unnecessary, as though she were needing to do this for her own sake, to get a little boost from directing others around. The position I was directed into actually caused me some pain. I accidentally belted out a loud and bothered âOKAYâ in response to her guidance for my legs' new and improved location, which she had begun to impatiently position herself, exposing my overextended state to the whole studio. Oh yeah, EVERYONE in the room heard that one loud and clear. Am I really that out-of-control tonight? Have I been stretching in a repeatedly dangerous manner... and am now yelling like a maniac, ruining everyone elseâs experience? That would be kinda hilarious. Oh well, even if the worst possible situation here is true (me being unknowingly unhinged), it doesnât really matter that much. Iâm fine, people probably accidentally make loud noises in difficult positions all the time. This is yoga, not a concert hall. I'm sure we are all mature enough to move on and laugh about it at the end of the day. Ultimately, I didnât know with absolute certainty if I was the one leaking my inner stress and making a scene, or if she was being kind of weird. I thought that Susan would be able to recognize the fact that maybe sheâs been doing a little too much here and partly, if not fully, drew that reaction out of me herself. Her being in recovery, I understood the situation and was completely let go from any sort of negativity towards her. Feeling as though it came across like an angry âIâm fed up with your attempts to correct and interrupt me lady, I know what Iâm doing here, leave me the hell alone!!!!â, I began to feel somewhat bad. I really didnât mean to vocalize so loudly, but couldnât have prevented it. Later in the class, there was a position we were getting into that called for the use of a strap/belt to deepen into the stretch. During the transition, Susan said âraise your hand if you donât have a strap and Iâll come bring you one.â I raised my hand, very clearly directing my gaze towards her, and it was as though she couldnât bare to look at me. Ignoring my response to her inquiry, she was done assisting someone who wasnât grateful for her efforts (but was able to make it to a few others). I sat there on the floor now exposed to the fact that she was in an activated state - perceiving me as some triggered princess that couldnât take another persons advice, or maybe perhaps intimately aware of her own misdoings and too embarrassed to reconcile them in the moment. Passing her in the hallway with a smile and thanking her for the class, trying to quell any negative charge that may have bubbled up, she fully stopped for a moment and wished me one of the most genuine good night's I have ever received. Her face looked somewhat perturbed, as if she was trying to process what had happened, a mix of confusion and guilt subtly etched into her expression. Her eyes seemed to reflect a moment of self-doubt, as though she was questioning her actions and feeling emotions about how she had interacted with me during the class. After that night, she didnât show up to teach classes anymore. 2 months later she was dead.
After talking to others that were closer to her than myself, I discovered what had happened. Susan began to feel a cascade of pain and took time off. Things began to get progressively worse. She originally had Colon cancer and went through a surgery that opened her intestines, removed the tumor, and then sealed it all back up. After this, she did rounds of chemotherapy and was said to be in remission. In those final 2 months, the cancer ended up coming back, having spread to her bones. Susan had thought she was sick or experiencing the after-effects of chemo. Known as bone metastases, cells from the original tumor had spread to her skeletal system and begun developing secondary tumors, breaking down and fracturing her hips/spine. By the time she made it to the doctor and figured out what was happening, there were maybe 15 days left on her calendar.
I kept having intrusive thoughts that were somewhat along the lines of, "oh great, look, you killed her." Witnessing the nature of my brain, like a teasing friend, to automatically trying and guilt trip me into taking responsibility for her death was actually somewhat amusing. Still, the way it all ended seemed so... strange. A few months afterward, while rummaging for something in a cabinet, I stumbled upon an artifact. Around 2 years ago, I used to carry around a pirate water bottle with a skull and crossbones on one side, and a sticker that I got at one of her bandâs performances on the other. Sitting in my room since middle school, I finally found a way to use it. I viewed it like the duality of life and death, the beauty of art and the wildness of chaos. The violence and horrors of war contrasted with the healing peace found within devotion. The Pirate's life was one with the Priestess. Did I accidentally do some sort of voodoo here?
Fuuuuuucckk.
There is evidence linking certain personality traits to an increased risk of colon cancer aka colorectal cancer (CRC). Studies have shown that traits such as anger and egoism can influence the occurrence of CRC. Emotional regulation issues, particularly anger, and relational styles characterized by egoism have been identified as potential contributors to CRC incidenceâ.
At the memorial I attended, there was a very common theme amongst individuals sharing their experiences with Susan â that she was a pretty intense person. Many people were initially overwhelmed by, in conflict with, or intimidated by her. Dr. Gabor Mate, a leading expert on trauma and its correlation with illness, describes in his latest book âThe Myth of Normal,â that he began to see the linkages between different illnesses and what was being said about individuals in their obituaries, particularly what was being said about their personalities.
To be continued âŠ
Now lets rewind a moment.
In the months prior to this situation with Susan, I had my own, quite profound exploration into the concept of Kali. From this point I began to dedicate myself to the Kali Mantra.
This video popped up in my suggestions on YouTube about 1 week after it was uploaded.
The interview takes place at VÄlÄkhilya Mountain in the Gangotri Himalayas, a remote, snowbound region where snowfall, 3 years ago reached 1, but now reaches up to 2â3 feet. The area is largely uninhabited except during a fair that takes place 1-2 months a year. Swamiji, a Telugu-speaking ascetic from Andhra Pradesh, has lived here for three years post-pandemic, surviving on minimal food (often a single biscuit for days), rainwater, and relentless spiritual practice (sÄdhana).
Claims his body has adapted to minimal sustenanceâno illness, pain, or medicine in 20 years. Collects rainwater for drinking, avoids ground/river water, and attributes his health to Deviâs grace.
Swamiji insists KÄli alone dissolves all karmaâpast, present, and futureâin one stroke. Unlike other deities, she requires no rebirth cycles. Chanting her mantras or reading the Devi BhÄgavatam purifies the soul, even for householders.
Calls human birth in Kali Yuga a âcrimeâ due to rampant materialism. Wealth, lies, and ambition bind souls to suffering. Even sÄdhus chasing donations or comforts accumulate karma. Refuses donations (even 50,000âč offers), planes, or comforts. Calls saffron robes irrelevant unless paired with genuine detachment. True sÄdhus âcarry nothing, desire nothing.â
Describes his practice as spontaneous, âelectricâ: currents surge through his body. These waves of energy wake him up. At times the distinction between sleep and
Swamiji briefly describes an encounter with a mysterious sÄdhu, later identified by a devotee as MahÄvatÄra BÄbÄji, the immortal Himalayan yogi
While farming in Karnataka, a wandering sÄdhu (whom he did not recognize at the time) appeared at his home, with a massive bundle of sticks on his back.
"This is your last month with your family. Go to the Himalayas."
The sÄdhu assured him his children would thrive and urged him to renounce worldly life immediately.
While gathering firewood in the forest, Swamiji encountered a massive tiger. Instead of attacking, the animal calmly walked away as if "called" by an unseen force.
âMÄ showed me her teeth, then her mercy. The beast walked as goats follow a herdsmanâs call. Who am I to question her games?â
During the KedÄrnÄth disaster of 2013, Swamiji endured extreme deprivation: eating snow/ice, urinating blood, and hallucinating from starvation. A voice in his head eventually guided him to KedÄrnÄthâs ruins, where he found 2 ripe bananas (which he was barely able swallow) near a partially buried Ganesha idol -miraculously preserved despite the devastation(which he was barely able swallow). Rescuers later found him skeletal but alive, declaring him âfineâ despite his ordeal.
During intense phases of his sÄdhana, Swamiji claims worms began emerging from his body -specifically from his eyes and hair. In one instance, 10â15 worms crawled out of his eyes; later, while in Pushkar, he says 200â300 worms poured from his scalp daily for a period. He treated the eye worms with âmedicineâ (unspecified) but let the scalp infestation resolve on its own.
He attributes this to karmic purification. As he deepened his worship of KÄli, he believes the âkarmas of all lifetimesâ began physically exiting the body.
In his words
âAs we start doing MÄ KÄli sÄdhana, the karmas of all life come out of this body in this way⊠Daily, one karma. I have to bear each karma for 3â4 months.â
During a heavy snowfall, Swamiji witnessed a bright, pulsating light hovering above the mountain. It emitted a low hum and drained his energy as it approached. He retreated to his hut, and by dawn, the light vanished without a trace.
Another night, there was a snowstorm at 3 AM, and Swamiji was in deep meditation when he heard KÄliâs voice shout, âGet up!â He jerked his head down just as lightning struck the ground where heâd been sitting, incinerating a 40-foot radius.
When I began to watch it, and discovered that this Sadhu went by the name Babaji, my interest was caught. As I watched this little interview, a few things stood out to me.
The first being that the man was inspired to go up the mountain and begin his life of Sadhana only after a strange figure, Mahavatar Babaji(ah, okay that's what I was looking for), suddenly appeared and delivered the message that it was time for him to do so. He wasn't aware that this was the figure whom instructed him to leave his 3 children and wife to go begin ascetic practices, but obviously he must have sensed something special given that he adhered to the advice(or he was simply eager to abandon his responsibilities as a husband and father.) The strange man with a bundle of sticks claimed that the family would be taken care of and everything would be fine, it was time for him to clear his karmas. I wasn't fully sure how I felt about someone that decides to do such a thing, I'm not sure I would ever be able to leave my family like that, but I, if I'm being honest with myself, have no ability to truly conceptualize what it is that's going on here. After 1 month he decided to follow the instructions and abandoned his life as a householder, becoming a Sadhu.
Having had my own "UFO" experience, when he began to describe a powerful buzzing force that came up the mountain and was, what seemed like, zapping his energy from him, my interest was further amplified. The extraterrestrial phenomenon has always been a spiritual matter to me, aspects of the deeper levels of the reality one can touch upon through the exploration of the mind. My personal experiences with Mahavatar Babaji were tied to the period where I had my own little UFO scenario occur. Listening to the message he is delivering, there is an immense importance that he places on the Kali mantra. Claiming it to be the most important mantra that we could be doing at this time, given we are in the tail end of the age of Kali. It felt as though somehow I had been guided to this video, that it was some sort of initiation, a nudge for me to begin doing the Kali mantra myself.
That night I did, for 10 minutes. It felt quite powerful, but of course, perhaps that is just my excitement and the novelty of it all. I'm still not certain whether or not I am feeling into different energies or my mind was making things up.
The next morning, on my way to work, I decided to do a second round of the mantra.
I totaled my car.
Now, I was totally fine and so was the person that I ran into. It was really such a minor accident, but it had devastating consequences on my vehicle. The Romanian woman I crashed into did not speak English very well and was terrified of me. She got out of her car and was fine, but upset, calling her husband/son, someone that spoke English. A little while later, her husband got there, talked to her for a moment, and then she got back into her car. The police got there, and then an ambulance. Oh boy. Weren't you fine just a moment ago? Now the theatrics are coming out, they're really going to try and milk this thing. This is hilarious. The paramedics get there and usher this poor woman into an ambulance. She is obviously in a tremendous amount of pain.... right. I remember one of the paramedics giving me a dirty side eye.
Susan was the only person I knew that was really into Kali. I don't think that she was even diagnosed before
In the soil of silence, a mantra is sown,
A seed of sound, in the mind's fertile loam.
With each repetition, roots reach down,
To the depths of being, where peace is found.
A sprout of awareness begins to rise,
Through the layers of ego, to open skies.
Leaves of insight unfurl with grace,
As the soul's garden becomes a sacred space.
Blossoms of enlightenment, fragrant and bright,
Emerge from the mantra, bathed in light.
Fruits of wisdom, ripe and true,
Nourished by the chant, in hearts anew.
So plant the seed of a mantra deep,
In your consciousness, let it gently seep.
Watered by intention, warmed by the soul's glow,
Watch as your inner garden begins to beautifully grow.